You don't understand... a pre-rant

I'm writing this as a reminder and to get it out of my system.

Think of this as a yard stick I'm placing to which I'll return in the near future to measure things.

Dear Lord, I pray I'm wrong about all of this.

Help me be the man that you want me to be.

Help me fix this.

Help me be a peacemaker.

Help me fly.

Amen
~~~

You don't understand.

~~~

All I've been hearing the last few weeks is

You have too many things.

Where are we going to put that.

its not as simple as that.

I KNOW (the better than you part is left unsaid).

~~~

These things are better started with... With all due respect.

tis like a liability shield of sorts no?

but anyhow

With all due respect.

It was hard to break free of the gravity of being Asian, of the oldest son, of the multilayered guilt trip(s).

It may have been lonely and dark at times in Adelaide, but it was my life. Imperfect but hand forged.

I don't need repeated pressure telling me how buying houses is a good idea. I know as well as you the way the market looks. I don't need the additional burden of having to live your dreams and disappiontments as well as mine.

I don't appreciate the double edged advice followed by the stings of telling me I'm not good enough.

Its insulting enough that you have no idea what I do at work nor show little interest in finding out.

Or do we have to watch Amazing medical stories again?

Are the dark whispers in my head true? That you think I've somehow conned my way into my jobs for the last few years?

I think I've done well in my career. I thank God for the opportunities he's given me and where he's taking me.

In many aspects I've caught up and overtaken many of my high school comrades. Or have you forgotten I spent the first 2.5 years of my career with conscript pay?

You don't understand how it feels, to arrive to adelaide with 22 boxes and to somehow fit my newly forged life into 15 and pack it back to Melbourne.

You don't understand how much I fear getting crammed into who I was and limited by who you will let me be.

You don't understand that sometimes I need to write, to sing, to see colours, to be left alone, to hear not suggestions for improvements but encouragement.

Don't try to teach me how to make it. Tell me I can and make me believe it. I'll ask if I need help.

Stop seeing me as the man that almost isn't.

Help believe I'm the man that I could be.

Learn to just HOLD YOUR TONGUE.

~~~~

Don't worry friends,

I wrote that with the intention of it being strong.

Its a yard stick.

I hope I'm wrong.

Just keep me in your prayers.

Let me know you're around and still behind me.

The good lord walks with me, and I will not let the colours fade.